Have I been here before?

The answer is yes. Yes I have. I know where I am. I’m exactly where I don’t need to be. I’m exactly where I want to be.

Scream. Shout. Suppress everything you want to tell me. Hide within yourself. Think that you’ll get hurt. Ignore you’re feelings. Please ignore your feelings. Heaven forbid you do what makes you happy. It’s hard because you make it hard. I haven’t had any influence in this situation. The blame is all on you and it drives you crazy. Doesn’t it drive you crazy? I knew it did. Are you starting to open up and be honest with me? Well maybe you should start. Would it kill you? Would it kill you?

Would it kill you to be open?

How I Remember

How can we be so deeply in love then find ourselves never talking to that person later in life? How about trying on the boot that has, “It’s not real love” imprinted along the sole.

Mmm … how’s that feel? Good? Good …

I was thinking; months and years will pass and I’ll look back on this and lqtm and ponder what exactly happened as I do now with earlier posts. I had forgotten about that party, I had forgotten that she was so blunt. I still like her bluntness. I wonder if it still exists today or if she’s been worn down from life. If the edges that were so sharp in the beginning are still so sharp. If she could still demand the attention of a room just by one hair flip and smirk. If I could still turn her world upside down without saying anything. Eyes are an amazing form of communication. So many stories have been told without speaking a single word, picking up any writing utensil, or plucking a key on a keyboard. This one is for you. For being the girl that caught my eye, but couldn’t keep me from saying goodbye.

Here’s my list of stuff as of today:

• Study
• Delete email account

I should probably add hair trim to the list … oh, and that other thing.

I’m not above that

I talk when I read silently. I talk in my head. I’ll be reading on one level of my brain and at the same time I’ll be thinking about a social situation or working out a solution to world hunger on another level. No I don’t want to cure world hunger. I don’t remember what I read and it’s annoying. People should starve. If I was starving, I’d eat. I met with a professor today. He was very informal. Not only in person but over email.

I don’t think he’ll get the text message he was waiting for. Was he waiting for a text message? I don’t think he was. Then again I didn’t ask so I can’t say either way. I would not be a good person to ask in regards to whether he was waiting for a text or not.

Someone is complaining about the music being too loud. You’re welcome. You’re in college, you should be studying anyways. Playing my music loud enough to piss of the neighbors; I’m not above that.

Seriously though, I talk when I read silently. I need something to suppress my thoughts. A doctor’s appointment will be scheduled.

Their Addiction

I wrote this yesterday morning;

“the things I wish could be answered … oh the many things …the mysteries of life I assume … the dark alleys of life that are never walked for fear of the dangers that lurk? … we may never know … but even if it were that the questions were asked, would the be answered … that no one knows … so we lay there pondering ideas which seem to lie within the dark alleys of life in hopes that one day some how some way some one will just present us with everything … all we’ve ever wanted”

No one is perfect but you could at least strive to be. I wrote everything out on post it notes. I didn’t table today and will probably be harassed about it later. Oh well. Did I mention that I don’t give a fuck? I put music on my phone for the first time today. It turned out amazing. I went to lunch and it was like no one was there. Everyone was there. Everyone was screaming for someone to pay them the slightest attention. Attention whores if you will. I need to email my professors.

Surprise

Surprise I was there. Surprise I dyed my hair. This is going nowhere.

Here’s something I thought up;
“Live like the rich, dine like the poor, sleep like the wealthy, dream you had more.”
↑Let me know what you think.

Red starts at the hair, but it ends right there. Typos are always made, I reread don’t be amazed. I killed the bird who flew backwards so nothing would seem out of the ordinary. Do you eat the chicken with one leg? The flowers surround them, the gardens are in bloom, pumpkins carried them, inhaled the flaming blue fume. Ryhming is repetitive and easily assumed. I make you happy, I make you sad, I’ll make things better, but the past will always be bad.

Get to know me.

I can’t concentrate

I have some things that I have to do before I go to school tomorrow. I have to type two papers. I can’t concentrate though. I have too much on my mind to think about school. This is no bueno. I want to go to sleep but I’m afraid if I do, I’ll sleep to much and not leave myself enough time to write these papers.

I’m tired of being used. I’m tired of being subjected to mind games. Everyone says she’s a tease, and on the verge of slut. Why do I even care? I’m pretty upset with myself. I’ve just decided that I’m going to take a nap.

I’m not sure if I should ignore her or not. I want to. I’m tired of all the bullshit.

Yep; I’m going to bed. Night. Wish me luck on my papers.

Prom

Quick and to the point

because I don’t feel like there’s a lot to talk about

Dinner

was to early

Dance

was lifeless with good music half the time

Post Prom

was repetitive with false hopes

Spending Time with Didi

priceless.

No but all and all prom was fun. No regrets. The only thing that mattered to me really was getting to see Didi and being with her. Other than that I say prom went well. Felt sorry for the girl on the stairs crying though. Not for the fact that she was crying but the fact that she can’t get over the drama stage of highschool. She’ll learn one day.

→List

1. forward dad that email
2. fill out the scholarship
3. take back tux
4. relax

I got a job

Well for new news, I got a job. I work at Olive Garnden now.  I have no idea what I do. Server? Host? Yeah me neither. . .

Delinda texted me today. Good thing too, I needed to get ahold of her. I wonder if she’ll take pics of Didi and I? I wonder if it’ll cost? eei. . .

I have iTunes on random play and Backstreet Boys is now playing.

Didi will be in town soon. I’m excited! I want to see her again. It’s been awhile.

Prom prom prom. This weekend is prom!
KU KU KU. Tonight is the big game!

People of Topeka look old. I hope be being here won’t result in me aging faster. I want to model and I can’t look old for modeling.

I’m trying to think of something to write about extensively, instead of all these short random bursts. If you have any ideas let me know. Does anyone even read this? Haha I’m not sure. . .

Boring

Whoever put Firefox on the school computers is dumb.

So currently I’m at school doing nothing. Sitting in my old library without a plan of action. Actually right now I’m downloading meebo to the school computers. Meebo is an instant messaging application.

→Finished the download and it didn’t work. This sucks.

Tonight I have to be at Olive Garden at 3:30 for an interview I believe. Last night I went to the get together at HuHot for Tim’s birthday, that was fun. Tim and I have decided to go clubbing this weekend.

I still get looks from people. I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t really matter from where I graduate. Whether it be Shawnee Heights or Thornton High. This conclusion, however, doesn’t change anything.

I wonder how long it’ll take the school’s firewall to block this site. I guess we’ll find out…

Didi ♥

Wish I was home

Today was boring. I realized how many people I will no longer being seeing everyday. How many friends I’ve came out of contact with. It’s crazy. It almost makes me depressed, but I’m not going to go that low.